The “God” Word
An Atheist’s Experience in AA
My name is Paul, and I am an alcoholic. I am an atheist. I believe there probably is no God. I cannot prove there is no God, because it is impossible to prove a negative statement like that. I have been an atheist since long before I came to AA. I have a Higher Power. It is very tangible, and easy to understand, and to contact. It is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I came to AA a beaten man, in February 1995. I am a very lucky, grateful person. I have not had a drink since that first meeting, one day at a time. When I came to that first meeting, the word God in the Steps, and subsequently when I read the Big Book did trouble me, but I was desperate. I went to lots of meetings, listened and read, and did not pick up that first drink. I started our programme of recovery. In the following years I realised that Bill W is very clear in the Big Book, he refers repeatedly to the God or Higher Power “Of your understanding”. The God in the Big Book is the God of Bill W’s understanding.
I had tried many times to stop, and to control my drinking. I could stop for a day, a few days and, 18 months before I came to AA, I stopped for three months. Each effort ended in failure because I was still in denial. I thought that if I really put my mind to it I was strong enough to stop. Each time I tried to stop I went back to drinking and it got worse. It was a terrible place to be. I believe that the first stage in my recovery was a deep down honesty, with myself, admitting that alcohol was controlling me, and there was nothing I could do about it on my own. I needed a power greater than alcohol, and greater than me – and I found that power in Alcoholics Anonymous.
When I honestly admitted that alcohol was controlling me, I also admitted that my life was unmanageable. Because if alcohol is controlling my life, then I am not, and my life is, by definition, unmanageable. To me that’s Step 1.
I am on a journey, and my appreciation of the 12 steps is evolving as I grow in the Programme. I need that regular conscious contact with the Fellowship to keep me sober, one day at a time.
Living Sober as an Agnostic
Before I came into the Fellowship I thought AA was a Christian organization. I also thought it was very old-fashioned. I tried psychotherapy and it did nothing for me. I tried other kinds of counseling but they didn’t work either. I was drinking to oblivion on a daily basis. AA for me was a last resort and proof of just how desperate I was.
The meetings seemed to be full of God – in the twelve steps, in the literature, in people’s sharing, but I didn’t care at the time because I felt I was in the right place. I was amongst alcoholics like myself and they seemed to be alright. It was only when I began to feel better and started to consider these mysterious steps that I wondered how on earth I was going to be able to do them without a belief in God. People in the fellowship told me my higher power could be anything – a number 19 bus if I liked – but that was clearly daft.
Click on the image above to see the entire God Word pamphlet.
I settled on the idea of the fellowship itself as my higher power, while trying to stay open to the possibility of developing a religious belief, because the literature indicated that ultimately I needed to believe in God if I was going to stay sober. The literature seems to say that it’s ok to be an atheist or agnostic, but if we want proper sobriety and a happy life, eventually we are going to need God in our lives.
I know today that isn’t true, but at the time I got a sponsor and went through the steps with her, shared my step four with her and prayed with her. It felt hollow and untruthful but I did it because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.
My lack of religious belief sometimes made me feel I was on the margins of AA rather than properly plugged in, but I went regularly to meetings and service where I could.
Gradually AA worked for me despite my misgivings. I developed a conscience in AA and learnt how to be honest with myself and others. I learnt the value of service and how to make friends in sobriety.
I haven’t had a drink for 25 years and I am no longer waiting for my religious conversion. I am still an agnostic. I don’t know whether or not there is a supernatural power, but I can’t believe that there is and having a few years of sobriety behind me gives me confidence to be open about my lack of belief.
I am aware that it’s not so easy for others and I am glad that there are a few atheist meetings now where newcomers can share freely. I do have a practice which some people would describe as spiritual, although I wouldn’t call it that myself. I meditate every day and I think it helps keep me on an even keel, mentally and emotionally.
I was desperate to stop drinking and came to AA even though I hated the idea of it.
And it got me sober. I trust that if I look into my own heart, clearly and with humility and follow my instinct and my conscience I will do the right thing and my life will be useful and meaningful. If I am not sure, other alcoholics whom I trust will be able to help me.
There is a place for atheists and agnostics in AA; a way through to a happy, sober life and we should help each other to find it.
The God Word
Whilst I respect that many AA members believe in a God of their understanding, I cannot conceive of a supernatural being that resides in the sky, has human characteristics, especially those of the male gender, and organises me and everyone else as if it were a master puppeteer. And yet I have no difficulty in accepting a power greater than myself, and that such acceptance is vital to my continued recovery. I guess that makes me agnostic, but I don’t like to be defined by labels, although I do use it when in the presence of someone who is struggling to find a power greater than themselves.
The power of the AA group is undoubtedly greater than myself, and involvement with this power is vital to my continued recovery: as Aristotle said: “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts”. But in my daily life outside of meetings, and indeed to practice the “God Steps”, I need a different conception of a power greater than myself. On page 55 of the Big Book it says: “We found the great reality deep down within us”. Through the practice of daily meditation I sense, beneath the mental chatter and the fleeting bodily feelings, a deep sense of calm and peace, from which I draw strength to be able to deal with all that occurs in my daily life (“the power to carry it out”, as it says in Step 11). This I identify as my true nature, which is common to all of us. It is also, for me, the great reality that is referred to in the Big Book, is beyond all concepts and labels, and defies all attempts at description.
These three articles (out of a total of ten) are part of a 24 page pamphlet approved by the AA General Service Conference in Great Britain and published this month. It is called “The ‘God’ Word: Agnostic and Atheist Members in AA”.
Well isn’t that fantastic! Do you have the rest of the articles? I’d love to see them posted…
Just click on its image in the posting to see the entire God Word pamphlet, Chris. Or click on it here:
Most excellent, Roger, Sir.
Thank you for this article and all you to do to insure that AA remains being the inclusive organization it was intended to be by our founders and traditions for anyone, anywhere, regardless of belief or lack of belief who have a desire to stop drinking, our only requirement for membership.
I appreciated the “God Word” pamphlet more so than the October Grapevine, although it was gratifying to see that issue get to print. The stories in the British brochure are shorter. They get to the point, and are more impactful.
Thanks to Jon Stewart in Brighton, and Dr. Gabriel Segal, author of Twelve Steps to Psychological Good Health and Serenity, in London for IMMEDIATELY getting some copies of this into my hot little hands. Two of the best friends I’ve never met.
The worldwide web is pretty freaken cool.
I had intended to mention that Dr. Segal’s book, in which an atheist looks at the merits of the 12 steps, is reviewed on this site. You can read that review right here: Twelve Steps to Psychological Good Health and Serenity.
The fellowship can work its magic without labels or dogma, just honest, humble sharing.
The Bill W quote (at the bottom of the website) about no “spiritual requirement” is an “AZ quote”. What is that source and where did the quote come from besides that AZ secondary source?
Though tears often come (for many reasons) when it is said, I am grateful for today, sobriety is the right choice for us.
AZ?
AZ is a website of quotes which was launched in 2014. This particular quote can be found on many other websites. For example:
It comes from the book, The Soul of Sponsorship: The Friendship of Fr. Ed Dowling, S.J., and Bill Wilson in Letters, written by Robert Fitzgerald and published in 1995 by Hazelden.
I hadn’t looked far enough down. I was scouting the God Word excerpt and your astute commentary, and didn’t know what was being asked. AZ is a state AND a rapper. I have the Fitzgerald book on Dowling and a nice unpublished essay on this key player in AA history.
THANKS, bunches and bunches and…
We’re obviously not there yet, but thanks to you and others’ persistent work, we are moving out of the shadows into the light of reality. The program and the fellowship continue to work for alkies who are unwilling or unable to embrace any kind of primitive concept of power. Even the Big Book makes it clear to me that it is an inner resource available to all willing to take the journey inward, letting go and letting go of old ideas that simply don’t work for many or most entering the doors of AA today. Thanks Roger for paving the way!
Thanks for posting this, and for the pdf of the entire pamphlet. “Sheila’s Story” on page 13 surprised and delighted me, because she uses exactly the same language that I’ve used for years to describe my faith in the “healing process”, even to the metaphor of a cut that heals itself if I keep it clean:
With gratitude,
Oren
Wonderfully put.
I, too, thought that this is an excellent pamphlet and long overdue. My only complaint about it was the inclusion of the god infused 12 steps at the end. There are many secular alternatives that could have been included instead (thanks, Roger). Indeed, it was the wording of the 12 steps that put me off so greatly about ‘joining’ AA. Once I had other secular interpretations, it began to make sense to me.
Thanks Paul. Your story hit 2 nerves which are more at ease now. The first is the way you explained your higher power as being 1) tangible 2) easy to understand and 3) easy to contact. And second the idea that the god in the Big Book was simply Bill Wilson’s understanding of his own higher power. Thanks again!
Excellent article! Thank you.
My perception is that AA is very religious and all talk of it being otherwise is derived from the first ammendment of the US constitution.
I have no deity but if believing in one helps people then there is good in it. I believe in a higher power and, in balance, also a lower power. Both are within me and fight. “One drink wont hurt” says the lower power. Fortunately the higher power is winning. Once you reach the point of absolute sobriety (I only met a few) the lower power gives up and you are no longer an alcoholic.
Just as there is faith healing, the power of the spirit of AA people helps the fight. That is my higher power.
I contacted the UK GSO to get multiple copies of The “God” Word pamphlet. Apparently they can’t sell/send copies to countries outside of the UK/European areas. Can anyone help with this? I’ll pay all expenses for purchasing, shipping, etc.
I can send you some, Tom. I’ve sent you an email.