We Are Diversity

Being a part of the LGBTQ+ family, we face many unique and distinct challenges. Our rates of drug addiction are estimated to be somewhere in the neighbourhood of 20-30%, versus 5-10% for the general population. Alcohol{ism} is at 25%; 9% for the general population. Tobacco, approximately 2-3 times higher. Marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines and all narcotics… as well as prescription medications – ALL intoxicants have significantly greater use/abuse among our population, typically in the magnitude of at least 100% greater.

Andrew H., “Inclusion and Diversity” workshop, ICSAA 2018

By bob k

It was March 12, 2019 and my trip to the first meeting of what we believe to be Canada’s first-ever secular LGBTQ+ meeting began in Whitby at 5:15 pm. In the strange way that life sometimes works,  weaving nuances of unexpected complexity, my trip from Whitby to the We Are Diversity meeting in Toronto, began some 18 months earlier. That is when Bridget N. began attending the freethinkers’ group in Whitby founded by Craig C. and myself, in late 2013, at the instigation of, yes, you’ve guessed it, Joe C. That sonofabitch is EVERYWHERE!

Over the preceding year or so, Bridget had been trying AA. In spite of being still in her twenties, she had a serious drinking problem, and the side effects of that were becoming quite debilitating. Unfortunately, as a self-described “young queer with funny hair,” who was also an atheist, she was extremely uncomfortable in the church basements of traditional AA meetings. That much-ballyhooed, wonderful feeling of no longer being alone, was not something that came to an odd-looking, young secularist amid the horde of folks declaring that God had helped them where they could not help themselves.

“Brothers and sisters, can I have a hallelujah?”

No?

Making it out to these epic “firsts” in the world of secular Alcoholics Anonymous is a kick for me. Sadly, I may be forever beyond more exciting pursuits. Nonetheless, I’ve been to the first-ever meetings of the Freethinkers’ groups in Whitby, Ajax, Mississauga, and Kawartha . I was also at the first “We Are Not Saints” meeting in East Toronto, and to anniversary celebrations at Beyond Belief, Newmarket, Peterborough and Whitby. No extensive rumination was required in deciding to trek to “We Are Diversity.” Almost immediately I thought of how much Bridget would like to take it all in.

I was right.

Stigma

Stigma, discrimination and oppression – please let’s not kid ourselves – although we live in predominantly enlightened times… this is something we all have to deal with in varying degrees.

Andrew H., ICSAA (International Convention of Secular AA)

Even in today’s world, alcoholics sometimes feel the sting of discrimination as the result being labelled  “alcoholic”. Not everyone in the worlds of employment, insurance, Little League coaching or dating, have sympathy for those with a problem seen by many as stemming from their own bad behavior. As alcoholics, each and every one of us should have an extra level of understanding, and empathy, for minority groups. Many AA members have that. Other AA members do not.

Toronto secularists were a minority that was vigorously persecuted by Toronto’s other sober alcoholics. In truth, the oppression was spearheaded by a small number of aggressive people. The Blues Brothers were “on a mission from God,” and these crusaders were as well. They were organized, and they were persuasive. They used the age-old strategy of fear-mongering. In 2012 “Beyond Belief” and “We Agnostics” felt not only the strong disapprobation of their alcoholic brothers and sisters, but suffered having their agnostic-friendly groups kicked out of Toronto AA.

The forces of hate, prejudice and exclusion had won the battle. It was a sad time for the minority who had simply wanted to run their groups their way, as per the principle of group autonomy.

The disenfranchised groups have been restored to the fold, thanks to an action taken by Larry K. at the Ontario Human Rights Commission. In fairness to traditional AA, and to Toronto Intergroup, there have been some very positive changes over the past two and a half years. It is expected that the new attitudes are lasting, and hoped that they will spread to other regions.

In terms of being embraced by the broader organization, Alcoholics Anonymous, the LGBTQ+ community is in need of similar steps forward of their own. Until that happens, special interest LGBTQ-friendly meetings are not only desirable, but necessary.

For the LGBTQ+ alcoholic or addict, troubles double.

Three years ago, Andrew H. found a home at Toronto’s first secular AA meeting, Beyond Belief. In his words spoken at the 2018 secular conference: “I am queer. A gay man. An alcoholic. An addict. An atheist. A liberal. A vegetarian… Damn!! That’s too many labels.” The non-secular LGBTQ+ meeting had introduced him to the Big Book, and his reaction was a simple “Ugh!” Ironically, at around two years sober, Andrew ventured into the 12 steps, but not the stone tablet version. “I determined that it would be beneficial, personally, to do the work at becoming a better person… The benefits to me have far outweighed any negative aspects.”

New meeting, New Hope

After a smooth cruise from the extreme eastern burbs, we located the venue and nearby street parking. Anticipated problems in that area did not materialize. I have dear friends who would have gratefully thanked God for His loving intercession into the parking needs of out-of-towners.

For those of us who consider the best thing about churches to be the architecture, the architecture wasn’t disappointing. St. Luke’s United Church is a beautiful building of 1887 vintage. A Trip Advisor reviewer wrote: “From the outside, this church looks like a castle.” The church website shows evidence of a magnificent interior, but we were spared from the upstairs. More Providence, perhaps, although Meeting # 2 is going to get us a look at the ground level.

An unimpressive entrance led us to a basement that was delightfully unchurchy. As we wended our way along the narrow halls of what felt like catacombs, we journeyed back in time to an era of low-ceilinged cellars and exposed pipes. The oil-based paint peeling from the walls added to an ambience suited to a horror movie Saw came to mind. In spite of being mediocre at best, that film sparked as many sequels as Sylvester Stallone’s Rocky. To my great embarrassment, I must confess to having viewed most of those. Rigorous honesty sucks sometimes.

A room of substantial size awaited us, and there were about 25 chairs arranged in a circle, with lots of space all around. Natural-born cynic that I am, I thought, “That’s optimistic.” It wasn’t. I don’t take a lot of delight in being wrong, but in this case, it was DELIGHTFUL! More chairs were added before the start, and yet of few more for late arrivals. The new group’s website, very simply named We Are Diversity, estimates the first meeting attendance at 35, exactly matching my own guess.

That’s a success by anyone’s calculation. Possible Ontario’s most well-attended first secular meeting in our now nine and a half year history.

Andrew along with some friends had done all the work necessary to start a brand new meeting, and there is definitely some work involved in doing that. Here we were at the opening night! Bridget and I were not the only non-downtowners, as I recognized fellow secular AA-ers from Mississauga. My old pal Eric T., who now lives in Ancaster, looks incredibly healthier than he did when I met him seven and a half years ago. Sobriety can produce some marvellous changes, notwithstanding that Roger C. and I looked a lot better as pot-smoking hippies, so many 40-ouncers ago.

The “We Are Diversity” group seems to have been extremely well-organized and well-orchestrated. There were some coffee problems as the electrical systems in hundred year old buildings can be temperamental. No one much cared. This wasn’t about coffee.

Andrew chaired, and as typically is the case with meetings of the non-religious type, the readings were minimal. My careful listening detected interesting modifications – some big, and some small. Look for those when you come to visit the group. All are welcome.

I don’t know Andrew really well but that he had gifts for those who had contributed to the birth of the new group surprised me not at all. Secular medallions – momentos of a night that I think will have historical significance – were presented to a variety of folks. Recipients included the rest of the steering committee: Kirsti M., Len B., Matthew D., and Matt P. There were also commemorative coins for early contributors, Stephanie R., and Candice M., as well as to a few folks who made financial contributions: Murray J., Gillian L., Don C., and Regina C. Eric T. got one for being the speaker, and Joe C. was rewarded for having the longest hair, as I remember it.

The set-up had led me to expect a discussion meeting, and we sort of got that with the popular secular format of a shortish (10-12 minutes) speaker followed by comments from the peanut gallery, on a “pop-up” or “popcorn” basis. Eric shared mainly of the remarkable life improvement that has come his way over 7 years of sobriety, and his great thankfulness to Toronto AA’s secular community for that, dare I say, blessing.

Comments were interesting.

I can not bring to you the meeting in its entirety. I wish that I could, as it was pretty special. About 15 people got to share, and the sharers were about as diverse as the attendees in general. Of those who spoke, easily half had relatively new sobriety, or were just coming back. No one yelled at them to “SIT DOWN AND SHADDUP!” as was supposedly the Standard Operating Procedure in the mythical days when everyone did everything right. Talk was tough, and prospects were bullied into sobriety with “precise directions” delivered with not the slightest shred of kindness. Success rates then were well above 100%, apparently.

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly sat down and shut up…” Something like that.

1991 has become “the good old days” from the perspective of 2019. Back in 1991, 1991 was simply “now,” and the mythical “good old days” were years earlier. AA is in love with glorifying some magical era of yesteryear.

My late father got sober in AA in 1961, and I recall asking him if AA was tougher in the old days that it was now (1992). His response was simple and, somewhat myth-busting: “There are preachers now, and there were preachers then. My sponsor NEVER raised his voice to me.” I’m an AA history geek, and I’ve seen no reports of Bill W. lecturing Dr. Bob at their iconic first meeting at the Seiberling gatehouse. It’s also clear that Bill did not bring the gift of “God.” Bob already had that from two and a half years of Oxford Group conditioning, ” …but I still got tight every night nevertheless.” (AA Big Book, p. 178)

Back to 2019. There were several in early sobriety who expressed renewed hope prompted by this new resource. One man nearing 80, was 41 years sober, and he had a few tales that included as the young gay man’s experience, 60 years ago, of being sent away for “conversion.” He made reference to a dark but touching 2018 film, Boy Erased, in which the conversion theme is addressed. Things have changed in 60 years, but only somewhat.

Another older guy, one of the secular supporters from outside of the meeting’s main demographic identified as “N.” There were hearty laughs as he elaborated that “N'” stood for “Not gettin’ any.” The atmosphere was palpably one of camaraderie, joy, optimism, safety, gratitude, kinship, love and more. The word “ineffable” is an absolute dandy to trot out for grand occasions in our lives where things more easily felt than described. The words at the meeting were less important than the hugs, the laughter, and the tears.

Bridget shared: “I am grateful to be here, and thankful to find such a safe place. I feel surrounded by the care of my fellow LGBTQ+ atheists and agnostics. Oshawa’s highly faith-oriented meetings aren’t exactly very welcoming for someone like me: a young, queer atheist woman. I am at the outer margins  of most local groups.” (Insert the Oshawa redneck joke of your choice here _______.) Although Whitby Freethinkers is not an LGBTQ+ type of meeting, Bridget found a group-wide inclusive attitude that she had not found elsewhere.

Moving Forward

Bridget also works with a sponsor. One of her frustrations with traditional AA in Oshawa, was that none of the “Get a sponsor! Get a sponsor!” people would, or could, answer her question as to who, as a lesbian woman, she should get. Obviously, some were just as happy to see her get lost. That could have been devastating had she not found Craig C., and the Whitby Freethinkers where she’ll be collecting a one-year coin on April 29th.

Come one, come all. Special interest groups are sometimes accused of being exclusive, while the reality is that they are often the very model of inclusivity.

Bridget also suffered from other demons poorly understood by even the more well-intentioned folks of Oshawa AA. If there are other members from the LGBTQ community, and the math itself would lead to the conclusion that there are, they are mostly on the down-low, for the sake of their own recovery.

Two years ago, the first meeting of “Kawartha Freethinkers” in Peterborough drew a couple of gays, who declared that, although they weren’t much bothered by the “God issue” that is a plague to so many of us, the name “Freethinkers” produced the hope that they might encounter a more tolerant attitude about the “gay issue” than they were being met with elsewhere. They were right. There was a lot of emotion that night two years ago, when a new level of diversity came to a small town.

There was also a lot of emotion eight days ago, when a new level of diversity came to a big town.

Come and visit the group. You will find an atmosphere of camaraderie, joy, optimism, safety, gratitude, kinship, love and more. What you find may be exactly what you are looking for, and in trying to talk about the meeting later, you may find a need for the word “ineffable.”

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The “We Are Diversity” group meets Tuesday nights at 7:30 PM at St. Luke’s United Church, 353 Sherbourne St., Toronto. The meeting is secular, LGBTQ+, addict-friendly, and you might even encounter some delightful lemon squares.

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Editor’s note: As of November 2019, the meeting was cancelled.

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