Freaken Big Book Fundamentalists Hate Freaken Everything!
By Bobby Freaken Beach
Big Book fundamentalists are the elite members of Alcoholics Anonymous. At least, that’s what they tell us. That being the case, it would not be unreasonable to expect that these defenders of the Holy Writ would be lovers and enthusiastic supporters of all things AA.
And yet, it is not so.
Far from it!
The shocking reality is that freaken Big Book fundamentalists hate freaken everything!!!
Big Book thumpers, as they call themselves really, really hate treatment centers, and are quick to attribute every non-BB slogan to these profiteers, whose main occupation over the past four or five decades has been to dilute the purity of AA’s message. This they have accomplished, supposedly, by directing folks to such non-spiritual activities as brushing their teeth, making their beds, eating properly, and avoiding old associates and dens of iniquity. Lordy!! The treatment center palaver waters down the AA message.
Horror of horrors, rehab center clients are directed to go to AA meetings, as many as 90 in 90 days. Why is this a problem? Because freaken Big Book fundamentalists hate freaken AA meetings!!
How can that be??
Big book fundies do not see alcoholics as multi-taskers. Take the steps EXACTLY as directed by the book, OR go to meetings and DIE!! Here’s a typical thumper share – “I was told to go to 90 meetings in 90, and I did, and on the 91st day I drank!!” (Curiously enough, it’s never the 93rd day or the 87th.) Until I was walked through the book, line by line, by a Big Book sponsor, only then was I brought to the orgasmic spiritual awakening that deposited me into the sidecar of the Harley Davidson of a Loving God.
And then life became:
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
Everything that’s wonderful is sure to come your way
When you’re in love (with God) to stay.
Meetings, Crackheads, and Heathens
Surely it comes as a great surprise that Big Book worshipers loathe AA meetings, but if you doubt it, casually insert into a conversation the suggestion that: “Meeting makers make it.” Step back quickly, because the venom is going to come spewing forth. “We’re sober from the steps we take, NOT the meetings we make.” (Thank you, R2D2. Well put. There’s really no arguing with that – it even rhymes, FFS!!) One might wonder why this would be presented as an either/or, when the reality is that most successfully sober AA members do some sort of combination of both.
Thumpers seem to be not at all tortured by the cognitive dissonance that nags at normal mortals, when they find themselves being inconsistent. That’s a good thing because a lot of damn fundies have been to a damn boatload of freaken meetings!
Also high on the thumpers’ MOST HATED LIST are court referrals and non-alcoholic drug addicts, unless the particular Big Book aficionados in question are non-alcoholic drug addicts themselves. There are such creatures, perhaps visiting form Cocaine Anonymous, where AA’s book is used unaltered and rabid fundamentalism runs rampant.
From the perspective of the “Singleness of Purpose” fundamentalist, drug addicts will bring about the ruination of AA. There is no way of making an AA member of a non-alcoholic drug addict, don’t you know!
Let’s take your average drunk whose fun drinking began to produce serious consequences, then spiraled completely out-of-control. In spite of all of this, the alcoholic was plagued with an obsession to get more liquor. How could our guy possibly relate to some pariah whose fun drugging began to produce serious consequences, then spiraled completely out-of-control. In spite of all of this, the addict was plagued with an obsession to get more drugs.
See the enormous difference?
Big Book lovers also detest heathens, agnostics, freethinkers, and whatever else the ungodly call themselves these days. Of course, you need not be a fundamentalist to know that these guys are trouble. As the late, great Sandy Shores wrote in his magnificent treatise, The White Paper on Why Atheists Suck, the SOB’s were almost tolerable back when they kept their damn mouths shut. Their current endeavors in the quest for AA’s obliteration include prayerless meetings, the penning and publication of conference-disapproved literature, and the establishment and maintenance of websites that have become as popular as Jim and Tammy-Faye Bakker in their prime! And without a single damn hymn, for God’s sake!
Why don’t they start their own God-hating program? Just don’t call it AA.
So how, you might ask, do these belligerent, Godless savages stay sober, and seemingly happy for decades, in some cases. The sober heathen horde are mere “hard drinkers,” of course – not “real alcoholics” like us. Freaken Big Book fundamentalists HATE “hard drinkers.” The damn posers are killing real alcoholics with their horrible example of staying sober on fellowship alone!
There is, for the fundamentalist, no middle ground – it’s Grace of God or self-will. What is your choice to be, ya damn belligerent heathen?
Shirkers, Scourges, and Treasonous Founders
When it comes right down to it, Big Book fundamentalists hate most AA members. They are slackers and shirkers with their open-disgusting meetings, 12 + 12’s, fellowship social clubs, and human power-generated so-dry-ety.
Shockingest of all shockers is that freaken Big Book fundamentalists LOATHE AA literature!! And yes, I mean the conference-freaken-approved stuff. Thumpers DETEST The 12 + 12 ! It confuses newcomers and distracts them from the simple solution and clear-cut instructions presented in the 1939 text. Living Sober is even worse – having killed more real alcoholics than Moderation Management AND cigarettes!! Should you dare to mention this Scourge of Satan while amidst a group of the pious, be prepared for them to start flopping on the ground like Pentacostals when the spirit enters. They may even start speaking in tongues, but not in a good way.
That damnable tribute to human power lobbies for attending meetings, avoiding situations that might provide the temptation to drink, a balanced diet, exercise, and all sorts of craziness that could cut into your praying time. Thumpers would be shocked that the 1940 Akron Manual offered similar human power prescriptions, right in the heart of AA at its finest!!
How could you let that freaken happen, Dr. Freaken Bob??!! Fortunately, freaken AA fundamentalists ABHOR reading, and are unlikely to have this sacrilege disturb their peace.
Here’s another stunner! Big Book freaken fundies HATE Bill Freaken Wilson!!!
Wilson got WAY too liberal in much of his thinking. Nothing p-o’s a fundie like liberalism and inclusivity. And political correctness. There’s WAY too much damn political correctness. Thumpers knock the intelligence of AA’s principal architect in order to set up this narrative – “Bill wasn’t smart enough to write life-saving literature like Alcoholics Anonymous. God used him as a conduit.” Freaken fundamentalists DO like the notion of a “divinely inspired” Big Book.
Immutable. Precise. Unarguable.
The Unkindest Cut of All
Yes, Brutus, the unkindest cut of all comes when Big Book fundamentalists start knocking the Big Freaken Book itself!!
Say it isn’t so.
It is so, for there are parts they do not like, and edits they do not like. Big Book Lovers can’t stand the word “suggested!” I mean, they really HATE it to the point of making up stupid definition like: “In a 1939 dictionary, a suggestion was defined as ‘a subtle command.'” Not even close to being true, but cuter that the inane analogy: “I suggest you pull the cord on your parachute.” Honesty is okay up to a point, I guess, but in the quest to save souls, fundies grant themselves some latitude.
At the suggestion of a local psychiatrist, “Dr. Howard,” the book was edited to tone down some of the preaching. Big book enthusiasts DETEST toning down the freaken preaching. Hence, they frequently refer to the more perfect earlier version of the perfect book. Big Book thumpers see themselves as “bringers of truth.” As such, they seemingly exempt themselves from the book’s injunctions against speaking down from moral and spiritual hilltops. There are “no lectures to be endured.” Nonetheless, “sit down and shut up! The lecture I’m going to give you might save your life.”
I’d find these fundamentalists extremely annoying, were I a lesser man. As it is, their desperate grasp at self-esteem is quite pathetic.
Bobby Beach is a long-sober, non-fundamentalist member of AA. He is particularly a fan of the secular AA movement, and his psychiatrists report that he is doing quite well of late.