Quitting Alcohol
By Harry C.
When I first came to AA in December 1986, I didn’t have a clear understanding of what AA actually was but I knew it was about dealing with a drink problem, surely obvious by the title: “Alcoholics Anonymous”! I had a brother in NY who’d been in AA for 19 years and he was still “not drinking” but that’s as much as I knew of the place or how it functioned. Drinking, drunkenness and resulting damage was the way of life that I’d grown up with living in the 2-up tenement “bed & kitchen” in Glasgow, where I was born.
I was the youngest of three, 51/2 years between Margaret and I and 5 years between my sister and my brother Frank. Wee Elky was our Da and you never knew whether he’d be drunk or sober, but you knew for certain that he’d more than likely come in drunk and chaos would ensue. Week in, week out, and every weekend in life. I never had much to do with the Clark’s, I was always with my Ma’s side of the family. I have always been closer to the Flannigan side, and although my Ma never drank throughout her life, the Flannigan side had its fair share of problem drinkers!
One Flannigan cousin came to AA in Glasgow, another gave the booze up for decades but never came to AA, and another came to AA in Hamilton, Canada, after emigrating there. All male, all different families, and the fourth Flannigan uncle had girls, no sons, and none of the girls found their way into AA. My brother went to NY aged 19/20 and went to AA there aged 30. He’s still going and 57 years sober today. My sis followed to NY a few years later and tragically passed there in 1988. She wouldn’t come over for Elky’s funeral in 1972; she hated what he put us through with his drunken behaviour. Then there’s me. I drank for 20 years, knew I had problems with insecurity and resentments, easily identified in “jealousy and control”, and “why me” issues, but knew for many years that I had a problem with drunkenness.
I loved to drink and always loved the feeling of “ease and comfort” that drinking gave me. I knew at age 38 that if I didn’t deal with my drinking problem, that my ability to deal with my other problems would be negligible; my jealousy and anger were always manifest at some point in my drunkenness. It appeared impossible to control my behaviours when I was drunk; words and actions flowed with the drink.
I grew up in a constant state of fear and anxiety. Shame developed as I developed and I became aware of the poverty of limited privacy, poor hygiene, and tenement living with no hot water, a shared outside toilet, and a chronic alcoholic father that the neighbours below, above and next door could hear! Doctor Mate has given children such as I a name: a Child of Trauma. I bed wet until aged 12 and got my first toothbrush on my first trip to visit my siblings in NY aged 13/14. I got my first shower too at my sisters after being ill on the plane and came out wrapped in a towel and shivering; I didn’t know there was hot water I could turn on.
It is absolutely no surprise to me of the power of alcohol on me when I first drank. The “right of passage” at age 18 when walking into the pub and being served. The realization that I wasn’t drunk after those first 2 pints of lager, and the absolute choice that I made there and then that this new feeling of excitement and freedom was for me! From “fear and anxiety” to “ease and comfort” and I found the answer the more I went to the pub and the more I drank as my tolerance to drink grew. I was truly seduced by alcohol and who’d not want to rid themselves of always being fearful, watching what you do and what you say, needing the approval of others; who’d not want the sense of freedom that you can act and say spontaneously without having to edit yourself first!
The years passed, life happened to me, and my lifestyle was built around “the pub”. I’d enjoy the first pint, “Ah feck it”; by the sixth pint it was becoming “feck you!”; and when into double figures, “feck yous all, I need no one”! Then the resulting unintended consequences had once again to be faced and dealt with. Alcoholism had me and inevitably I’d prefer to drink again than accept the responsibility that I’d promised to take.
Crisis led me to call the Samaritans and they pointed me to AA.
When I phoned AA I told them I’d go to a Meeting myself and did so. I had no idea what to expect. I asked the guy at the Church door if there was an AA meeting there. He asked if this was my first Meeting and led me inside and introduced me. The welcome was warm, the people inquisitive and accepting, but I was anything but forthcoming. I was scanning the set up and the Scrolls. They announced they would focus on the First Step as Mr. Newcomer was there. I cringed every time Mr. Newcomer was referenced.
There was talk of God and the need for a Higher Power and then Wee Peter responded. He was an older guy with two sticks and an atheist with no need for a God. Wonderful, relief! I was an atheist and his declaration kept the door open for me.
I was an Alien in AA not knowing the language, the rituals and protocols, and not knowing if this AA could help me. But I felt the warmth of the intentions of those present towards helping me, I listened to the changed lives that AA had given those that spoke, and I realised that if Peter could stay sober and come along when he didn’t believe in God then maybe it may be able to help me. I got hope. That welcome and hope I got did the trick and for the next week I didn’t drink and I came back again the following Monday.
In spite of many trials and tribulations throughout my years of trudging, I’ve never drank again since going to AA, hence never been drunk again; never found any Dog or Higher Power that I can honestly say I’ve ever understood, and I went looking. I still regularly engage in the fellowship within AA to help maintain my choice to live a sober life. Since learning to live an abstinent life, the obsession dwindled away over time and I’ve developed a solution to my drunken experiences I previously encountered that led me to seek help through AA. I live with my solution, abstinence from alcohol and engaging with my AA friends for giving and receiving support.
To be clear: I don’t engage intentionally in any AA Steps; don’t engage with the Big Book in any way; never had a Sponsor; never sponsored; don’t pray nor “meditate”; I call myself an Atheist and don’t use the term “spiritual”; I have no love of religion.
There are so many variables in each life, so many experiences that have impacted us and influenced our frame of reference to our life and the world we live in. I have no idea how another person should choose how to live life. I’ve lived my life for the past 37+ years by choosing abstinence from booze and by never being too far removed from AA, one way or another. In this day and age we have Roger to thank for AA Agnostica and another way of giving and receiving through AA fellowship.
Harry is retired and worked for 17 years in local regeneration in Glasgow, Scotland. He lives with Christine his partner of 11 years outside Glasgow and is 76, but says he doesn’t look it! Happily divorced and living in sin but as an atheist he doesn’t worry about the sinning! He has only one brother and he lives in NY and between them they currently have 94 years of sobriety; Frank with 57 and Harry with 37. Loves to hear from his FB friends he met at ICSAA in Toronto. A skeptic at heart, he no longer attends Secular AA meetings but is still a regular attendee at his local meeting.
Thank you Harry! I could relate to so many things you said. I too grew up in a family awash in alcohol abuse. I have struggled with the god stuff since my first meeting. But I decided I really wanted sobriety so I’ve avoided bogging down in god references. When I discovered secular AA I found a new home. I still attend traditional AA meetings more for the deep friendships than anything else. I’ve enjoyed your posts on FB. Keep ‘em comin’!
Thank you for sharing your story Harry. I really appreciate your frankness and can identify in many ways. Like you the word “spiritual” is devoid in my conversation. That doesn’t mean that I’m not spirited and don’t have a constant yearning to experience all that my life can offer though. Thanks again, my wife and I are visiting Scotland (third time) from Canada this fall. Maybe this time I’ll find time to suss out a meeting somewhere….I might need a translator though to understand what’s being said:-)
The late Ernie Kurtz wrote of the power of storytelling and today’s piece is a classic example of that. I was riveted from beginning to end. I continue to love the AA stories, especially the ones as well-crafted as this.
Thanks for writing this and thanks for being older that I am. 😎
I related to the family background. I am an alcoholic and the son of an alcoholic who was the son of an alcoholic who was the son of an alcoholic. My great grandfather was a successful businessman — one of the first automobile dealers in his part of the world. That all came tumbling down as the result of drinking and gambling.
Although our circumstances were more affluent, my drunken father was also unpredictable. It wasn’t all bad. Sometimes he’d bring us (my older sister and younger brother) treats. At other times we were awakened by screaming matches between my parents. In 1961, my father came to AA ”to take the heat off” and never drank again. That proved to be good for one and all.
My mother, my sister, my brother and I are all damaged. The lasting collateral damage seems to have fallen hardest on those who were around the drinking the longest. An AA speaker said one time: ”My sister doesn’t drink but she should.” My poor sister is a foul human being.
My father was followed into AA by his youngest brother. Another brother died from asphyxiation in his car in his garage. The garage door was closed. We often forget the potentially fatal nature of our problem.
Thanks again.
Thank you.
A superbly told story, Harry, with some deep and insightful observations. One I particularly identify with is your acknowledgement that as a child of a traumatic upbringing you lived a life of constant fear and anxiety, and therefore you were always watching what you said or did, and unceasingly in need of the approval of others. Indeed, I recognized this about myself as well long before I took my first drink. So, yes, alcohol became my first solution (that never quite fit the problem). Fortunately, my fellow alcoholics (and non-alcoholics) made known to me a real solution and therefore how to get to the root of my fears and anxieties using the power of sober recovery.
Hi Harry: Thank you so much for this amazing account of your life before and after AA. I found your childhood to be quite heart breaking. I had a totally different experience as a child, but could identify with the fear and anxiety and the need to please others. I was constantly looking for validation from other people and it got me into a lot of trouble! I was raised to be a Christian but over time came to not believe in any of it. I found secular AA and it was a breath of fresh air! My great grandfather was from Scotland with the last name of Clark – maybe we are related! I’m so happy you found sobriety! Take care!
Hi Diane, you never know! I took a DNA test via Ancestry, looking for my Irish ancestry and they tell me I’m 88% Irish. That really pleased me!! But I now have over 30,000 DNA links, most of whom I have no real connection to, other than the ‘distant relative’ category of 5th to 8th cousins. Duh! Must be getting close to touching base with very distant uncles of Kane and Abel. Glad you liked the article. Appreciate your remarks. 🤝
It is reassuring to hear the story of someone who maintains sobriety by simply not drinking and going to some meetings. No need for religion, quasi-religion or big book dogma. It makes me feel like I can relax into this simple way of staying sober, without making another reluctant effort to reread the book or retry the steps. Thanks for taking the time to share your experience.
This is a wonderful piece! Thank you!
Harry, I do not think I have ever had the pleasure of hearing your story—sharing in a meeting, yes—but not your story: thank you.
I have been toying with some ideas, and your story is on topic. I appreciate it. You talked about how alien the language sounded when you were new, or more importantly, how you felt like an alien in AA–out of place because of the rituals and insider language.
I think this is a real problem. Unfortunately, we have become desensitized to the barrier and discomfort all this weird AA talk caused us when we were new. “Higher Power,” “At some of these we balked,” “We are spiritual, not religious,” “Only a spiritual awakening could save us,” the list of these creepy and prickly insider language aphorisms is long, and I think it is no way to talk to new people or the general public.
If we could remember how culty or scary it was when we were new, maybe we could be more empathetic of how any of our own AA-isms might come across to a tentative newcomer. Plain language is about to become a buzzword in AA as our Plain Language Big Book launches on November 1. By removing the flowery language, 164 pages are reduced to 122. It won’t be secular plain language, but it will be a step towards making AA holy writing more contemporary.
I heard a sincere and devoted Cooperation with the Professional Community (CPP) rep talking about how the treatment centres in her area were turning away from AA and how we could get them to see the “miracle of AA and the life-saving message of Bill W.”
This is what I mean by desensitized from our initial reaction; we lose touch with how we sound to everyday people when we talk in this AA double-speak. They talk about alcohol use disorder, and we insist on “alcoholism.” They talk about a spectrum disorder, and we talk about real alcoholics. Don’t even get me started with the “spiritual awakening” talk.
Harry, you were sane and coherent enough to be repulsed by the way we talk in typical AA meetings. That language has no place in the public square in 2024. From your story, it was the people who talked in everyday language that you bonded with, and I think this is a great message for how we talk to each other and, certainly, for how we talk to members of the public and professionals.
Thanks, Harry.