I No Longer Rebel – Not Even Against God

Hi, everyone!

My name is Sándor, and I am an alcoholic from Pécs, Hungary, Europe.

The last time I drank alcohol was on November 2, 2009. So it will soon be 16 years. I go to AA and work on the program. Great things have happened to me over the years.

In early 2024, I came across AA Agnostica. I don’t know how or what I read. I was surprised that such a thing existed. I subscribed to your letters and eagerly translate them into Hungarian. Admittedly, I use a translation program for this. I don’t always understand the posts exactly, but it still helps me.

I grew up and lived for many years in a former communist country. I was baptized, but I was never a believer. I could have gone to church, but neither my family nor I did. I wasn’t an atheist either. I just wasn’t interested in any of it.

I was introduced to alcohol as a teenager, but it wasn’t until I was 25 that I started drinking heavily. I consciously sought ways to get into the desired state of intoxication as quickly as possible. So I started drinking more and more strong spirits, rum, and whiskey with my beer. I went to bars and felt comfortable among people like me. I thought this was my freedom. For many years, this lifestyle did not cause any problems. Then my family and workplace tried to restrict me. They attacked my “freedom.”

After fifteen years of drinking, I ended up in a psychiatric ward. They prescribed me medication and sedatives, but I didn’t talk about the alcohol; I denied the problem. They told me not to drink while on medication! But I drank. For another 15 years.

I lost my job and received only a small pension. My family (my wife and children) stood by me. However, I didn’t want to continue living like this, but I couldn’t die. That’s when I told the psychiatrist that I wanted to go to rehab. They told me to go to an AA meeting. At this meeting, I said that my only problem with alcohol was that I got drunk every time I drank. I don’t want to be drunk anymore! One member said, “Don’t drink the first glass and you won’t get drunk!” This was a wonderful revelation for me. I haven’t had to drink since.

There was a board on the table with our prayer on it, with the word God in it. “Where have I ended up?” They tried to reassure me with phrases like “according to our understanding” and “God as I understand Him.” No, I didn’t want that. They’re deceiving me, tricking me! I thought, “I’ll end up being religious anyway.” When I read the Big Book, the steps, I was afraid I would fail. I won’t be able to do this sobriety thing.

I was in therapy for six months and went to AA. I even got a sponsor. I just did it, but I wanted to skip the parts where the word God appeared. But I couldn’t.

Then we got to Step 5. I told my sponsor that I don’t go to church, I don’t kneel down. Don’t ask me to do anything like that! “Where do you think God is?” he asked. “He’s definitely in the AA meetings,” I replied. “Then go to the meetings and talk about your mistakes,” he replied.

That’s why I’m grateful to him. I learned to talk about my mistakes. About my difficulties, not my supposed greatness. I have been doing so ever since. Since then, with a new sponsor, I have continued to take steps, doing all kinds of service in AA. In my group and on the Board.

Then again, when I read the Big Book, it says that newcomers initially consider the group to be their Higher Power, and that they have to grow out of this. But I still see God, the Higher Power, there. Then someone who has been sober for many years says that after 12 years of sobriety, he became a believer, joined a church, and that this is the right path in sobriety. But not me! I don’t feel that way! Is my sobriety not okay? I can talk about God, my relationship with Him, and I can use His help in my sobriety. But is that not enough? Is that not good? And I’m frustrated by this. I grew up as a young adult always being told that what I was doing was good. But! No, like this, differently, it’s not enough. Now again? How can I be different? I didn’t dare talk about it, it hurt me.

That’s when I met AA Agnostica. Does it work that way? Can I be AA and agnostic? Or anything else? This is so great! There is no AA standard for this either. Your community encourages me to be myself. God helps me overcome my fears. Today, I can talk about this in my group and at conferences. I can say that you are Secular AA. I don’t have a partner in this yet, but I am no longer alone!

Another story: recently, I managed to say that I am a hippie. I am not a rebel. I just feel in my heart that I am finally what I always wanted to be.

Happy, joyful, free!

My name is Sándor V., I live in Hungary, Europe. I last drank on November 2, 2009. I asked for help from a rehab center. They told me I had to go to AA. Until then, I knew nothing about AA. I was scared by the frequent references to prayer and God. But I promised myself I would do everything they told me to do. I simply did not want to die of alcoholism. The program works for me, but I felt that I could not speak honestly about my relationship with God. With your help (AA Agnostica, Secular AA), I gained that freedom. We don’t have an AA group like that here. I talk to my friends about it, and when the time comes, maybe we’ll have an AA group like that too.