Step One – Alcoholics Anonymous

By Andy F.

First exposure to step one

When I first got sober, I was a mass of contradictions. On the one hand, my self-image was fragile; on the other hand, I saw myself as bright and reasonably well-educated. I mention this because believing in the power of my intelligence didn’t work when tackling the implications of step one. This step couldn’t be more straightforward. It states:

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Powerlessness

If someone asked me to explain what powerless meant, I would not have been able to tell them. As strange as this may sound, I didn’t understand the word ‘powerless’ or how to define it. At face value, it seemed easy enough to understand. To me, it may as well have been Greek. Yet the plain truth was that I spent most of my life trapped in an out-of-control cycle of addiction.

I was nineteen when I ended up a homeless person. At that young age, I had only one agenda: – to drink as much as I could, as often as I could. Dispatching myself from reality was my primary and only purpose. Yet when I came to AA, something in my brain prevented me from understanding what the first step was trying to tell me.

Today, after many years of relapse, I have gained an education about step one that I hope I never forget. When it comes to putting alcohol into my body, I can’t stop until I am entirely drunk. Alcohol releases an obsession in my mind and a craving in my body that condemns me to keep drinking until I pass out.

Unmanageability

It was the same with the adjective ‘unmanageable.’ I was so full of self-will when I arrived to AA, that I was unable to surrender to a sponsor’s guidance. I was determined to manage my life without anyone in the fellowship telling me what to do. This attitude created a catalog of disasters that, after a long road of relapse and misery, forced me to ask for help. Despite my best efforts, I achieved very little in early recovery. For over a decade, during which time I was mostly sober, I was unable to make any progress in rebuilding my life.

Yet, the strange thing was that I couldn’t tell you what step one was saying. I have often wondered why this was. In hindsight, I must have had a lot invested in denying the truth about my relationship with alcohol. I earnestly believed that I could take it or leave it. In hindsight, I guess it was too humiliating to admit to myself that, with or without a drink, I was a total mess.

The jumping-off place

I fought hard to achieve the career ambitions that would give me credibility in the eyes of others. I failed at pretty much everything I set my hand to. What money I did make was under the table and away from the tax man’s gaze. I also wanted to meet a woman and start a family. It wasn’t to be. Every relationship I started was unstable and codependent. I just wasn’t mentally and emotionally well enough to create anything worthwhile. The relationships I tried were short-lived.

“The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.”
(12&12 Step Four, p. 53)

“What on earth was wrong,” I thought. “I’m sober now!?” Not drinking wasn’t working! So, I went into therapy to try and resolve childhood issues. To my great consternation, therapy made me even worse! I was constantly angry and depressed. Even years after coming to AA, I suffered from dramatic mood swings and panic attacks. Depression and self-pity would frequently paralyze me. I remained on this merry-go-round of madness for years, refusing to get a sponsor and take any suggestions.

At the time, I had so much prejudice against The “God” word that I wanted nothing to do with the steps. Moreover, I didn’t like the sponsorship idea because they represented an authority figure, which I resented. Gradually, I sank deeper and deeper into despair and eventually ended up with a death wish, stone-cold sober!

“He will be at the jumping-off place; he will wish for the end.”
(BB “Vision for you” p. 152)

A moment of truth

Of all places, I surrendered in a step one meeting. They were reading the first step from The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Here I was – counting days again.

“Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. It is truly awful to admit that, glass in hand, we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking that only an act of providence can remove it from us.”
(12×12 Step one p. 21)

Ego collapse

At that meeting, after struggling with what I now know was untreated alcoholism, my ego finally collapsed. I knew it was all over and had no alternative but to admit defeat. Quite simply, I had used up all my escape routes. Sex, the illusion of power, money, and trips overseas were only temporary fixes. Sooner or later, I returned to my default position: – a sense of hopelessness and impending doom,

“No other bankruptcy is like this one. Alcohol now” ( after thirteen years in AA) “become the rapacious creditor, bleeds us of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.”
(12&12 Step One p. 21)

Initially, I felt humiliated when my eyes opened to the consequences of my impulsive and dishonest choices. I admitted total “bankruptcy” (12&12 p. 21) in every area of my life. This resulted from the very best of my “old ideas.” (BB p. 58), a quote from Chapter Five of the Big Book. I was devastated! It was the darkest moment of my life.

“How dark it is before the dawn!”
(BB “Bill’s story” p. 8)

Yet, twenty-eight years later, I am here to tell you that the day my ego collapsed was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Becoming teachable

I finally became teachable. With the help of a sponsor, I learned to be honest and admitted that I had been powerless over alcohol from my first drink. Moreover, despite my best efforts to be secure and in control of my life, I also learned I was powerless over people, places, and things. Steps four to nine taught me that I couldn’t change people’s behavior towards me but could change how I reacted. (Step Seven)

While working on step one, my sponsor also pointed out why a hyphen separates powerlessness and unmanageability. He got me to see that one was the consequence of the other. They are, in fact, interchangeable.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Very simply, my addiction to alcohol made life unmanageable, and my chaotic and unmanageable lifestyle made for more drinking. Step one suddenly made total sense when I looked at it in reverse. This kind of insanity was the story of my life. I’m amazed it took me so long to see it! I guess it takes what it takes. I could have saved myself a lot of pain if I had been honest with myself sooner.

Today, I know it was my alcoholic ego that had me fooled for so long. I believed everything it told me. My ego rendered me incapable of being honest. The truth was that it was me who had always been the problem. It was me that had made such a mess of my life. Of course, it was easier to blame my dysfunctional childhood. Ultimately, I didn’t take step one through any personal virtue. It happened to me spontaneously after thirteen years of relapse. My crazy, alcoholic ego was left with no choice but to haul up the white flag of surrender.

I hope it doesn’t take you as long to admit step one as it did me.

Agnostics recover too

As an agnostic alcoholic, I didn’t have to believe in God to reap the enormous benefits of working the steps.

“You can, if you wish, make AA itself your higher power.”
(12&12 Step Two p. 27)

I try not to listen to “Radio Andy” anymore. After forty years in AA, I still attend regular meetings. Sometimes, the ego can still convince me that it knows best. Running things by my sponsor is always a good idea. Sponsoring newcomers has become a big part of my AA service work. It is gradually teaching me love, humility, and tolerance. I receive a tremendous sense of fulfillment when a sponsee starts making progress.

So long as I keep living in the solutions learned in AA, I have nothing to fear. I am grateful that I know what is wrong with me today. I have a killer illness. But I needed to get the Gift Of Desperation (a helpful acronym for God) before seeing it. As an alcoholic, it is in my best interests to remain teachable. With AA’s help, I turned my life around. Today, I enjoy and don’t endure my sobriety.

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Andy F. went to his first meeting on May 15th, 1984. Having had negative experiences with religion and religious people in childhood, he found it impossible to embrace the twelve steps. Frequent references to God and a higher power put him off completely. He decided to pursue his recovery through therapy. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him sober. He became a serial relapser and, several times, came close to losing his life. Eventually, he was lucky to find an experienced oldtimer happy to work with an agnostic. Andy was able to stay sober and recreate his life. It’s now been twenty-seven years since his last relapse. He is committed to sponsorship and has become an avid blogger. Andy’s blogs are about his experiences in recovery as an agnostic alcoholic.

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For more information about Andy and the books that he has written and published, click here: https://aaforagnostics.com/.

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