Getting to Grips With a Higher Power
By Andy F.
I came to AA in 1984 after many years of very self-destructive drinking. My first thirteen years in the program were a disaster. I was going to meetings every day, frequently, twice a day. I was still incapable of staying sober. There were several reasons for my continuous relapses. Firstly, I was in complete denial of my powerlessness over alcohol. Secondly, I could not embrace any notion of a power greater than myself. Six of the twelve steps mention God and a higher power. As a newcomer and an agnostic, AA’s twelve steps were an insurmountable obstacle.
A higher power; a bewildering idea for an agnostic
The traditional view of AA is that alcoholics are powerless over alcohol. They need a higher power to stay sober and recreate their lives. I convinced myself that I couldn’t use any conception of a higher power; I felt defeated before I even started. In my ignorance of the alcoholic illness, I decided not to bother doing the steps. This decision almost cost me my life. What followed was thirteen years of relapse. I almost died on several occasions. Eventually, I admitted that I was not a very effective higher power for my own life. If I wanted to save myself, I would need a greater power to overcome my powerlessness.
I made some limited progress with the other steps. Amazingly, I managed to get twelve years of abstinence from alcohol. I cannot say that my sobriety was a happy experience. It became increasingly clear that I would have to find a way of dealing with my resentments. I was angry and undoubtedly a tortured soul as a dry alcoholic. My survival depended on finding a way to resolve my conflicted inner world. It was when I was twelve years away from my last relapse that I had the experience that I am about to share with you.
After twenty-five years in the program, I was invited to a social gathering of Polish AA members in London. Despite being born in England, I could speak and understand the language. My parents came to England from Poland after the war. A well-known Polish psychiatrist named Dr Bohdan Woronowicz attended this gathering of AA members. He is a pioneer in the treatment of alcoholism and drug addiction in Poland. This clinician favors the twelve-step approach to recovery. The meeting to which Dr Woronowicz was invited was not an AA meeting but a talk. People asked questions, and he offered answers regarding the successful treatment of alcoholics.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. It turned out that what Dr Woronowicz said that evening was the turning point in my recovery. He gave me a new understanding of AA’s idea of a higher power. It may well have saved my life! After so many years of relapse in AA, I came to believe that I would have to find some kind of power greater than myself.
I sensed that this was the only way forward. A young and belligerent audience member asked the doctor: “What’s all this higher power nonsense about anyway?” The good doctor turned to him and, with a half-smile, told the following story:
The doctor’s interpretation of a higher power
A housewife walks into her kitchen one morning, shocked to find the entire kitchen floor flooded with water. The water is rising fast. It’s only a matter of time before it spills out into the rest of the house. It is sure to ruin the carpets and all the furniture. Understandably, she goes into total panic and despair. She acknowledges her powerlessness over the situation. Realizing that her home life will become unmanageable, she reaches for the phone and calls a plumber.
The plumber arrives quickly, finds the leak, and stops the water flow. He has saved a potentially disastrous situation. The psychiatrist then turns to the newcomer. “Is not the plumber, in her desperation, a power greater than the housewife”? His experience, knowledge, and skill were able to avert the crisis she found herself in. Authentically and practically, the plumber was, for the housewife, a power greater than herself. I was stunned!
A concept that made sense
The psychiatrist said, “Was it the plumber that was her higher power? Well, “no,” he said. “His knowledge, skill, and experience were all powers greater than the housewife.” I immediately wondered if Doctor Woronowicz was alluding to making an AA sponsor my higher power. He didn’t elaborate anymore. I had to figure the rest out for myself. He said that the twelve-step program gets alcoholics sober when they are unable to do the job alone.
There and then, my understanding of what a higher power could mean changed forever. As an agnostic, a higher power could be the experience, strength, and hope of a member who had worked the steps and transformed their lives.
The message and not the messenger; a greater power
I was always warned in AA never to turn another alcoholic into a higher power, but what about the message they carried? Their knowledge and experience of the AA program were a greater power. I was never the same again after that evening. I realized I didn’t need to believe in God or depend on some mysterious, invisible higher power to get well.
With the doctor’s practical analogy, I sailed through the rest of the steps using the AA group, the program, and the suggestions of a sponsor as powers greater than me! I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink for the last twenty-seven years. I came to AA in 1984 and was a serial relapser for more than a decade. If I wasn’t drinking, I was running my life on self-will, which resulted in a painful, dry drunk.
There was no surrender or acceptance of steps one, two, and three.
I finally went through the program using the guidance offered by an agnostic-friendly sponsor. Much to my surprise and great joy, I began to recover from this “hopeless condition of mind and body.” (BB p. 20). I am very grateful that I never allowed the “God” word to push me out of AA. I am now finally enjoying sobriety, happiness, and serenity as the result of going through AA’s suggested program as an agnostic.
Andy F. went to his first meeting on May 15th, 1984. Having had negative experiences with religion and religious people in childhood, he found it impossible to embrace the twelve steps. Frequent references to God and a higher power put him off completely. He decided to pursue his recovery through therapy. Unfortunately, it didn’t keep him sober. He became a serial relapser and, several times, came close to losing his life. Eventually, he was lucky to find an experienced oldtimer happy to work with an agnostic. Andy was able to stay sober and recreate his life. It’s now been twenty-seven years since his last relapse. He is committed to sponsorship and has become an avid blogger. Andy’s blogs are about his experiences in recovery as an agnostic alcoholic.
For more information about Andy and the books that he has written and published, click here: https://aaforagnostics.com/.
For a PDF of this article, click here: https://aaagnostica.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/07/Getting-to-Grips-with-a-Higher-Power.pdf
Great story! Thanks, Andy.
Many thanks, Ray. Have a great 24!
Interesting story and for this person a Sponsor appeared to be the answer. I’m new to this “site” but hardly new to intellectually knowing who an agnostic and atheist might be. I too feel like an outsider in my group which is blatantly religious and god centered. What I have trouble with, with agnostics and atheists is most can not define or refuse to define their “higher power”. I went to a few AA “free thinkers” meetings and only saw people who thought it cool to be anti-god.
I think it’s hard to define a person’s higher power. Harder still to be aware that it is perhaps just our conscience that we need to listen to. That still quiet voice that is blotted out by minute to minute actual living.
Regardless, I do appreciate the thought provoking stories and perhaps insights here.
Hi Fred, Many thanks for your comments. I loved your idea that our conscience can be a power greater than ours. It’s undoubtedly a greater and more creative power than the alcoholic ego. You may be interested in checking out my blogs on steps 2 and 3. They are available in the blog section of my website. They are based on my experience with a very wise, agnostic-friendly sponsor called David B. from the UK. My website is: https://aaforagnostics.com/. Good luck on your journey
Lovely story of your recovery and concept of higher power! Would love to see more messages like this one that we can share with new people who struggle with the concept of a higher power or higher consciousness. THANK YOU.
Thanks for your comments; I wish I heard that psychiatrist’s interpretation of a higher power twenty years earlier when I was still a newcomer. Best wishes, Andy F
Well done, Andy. Your experience (and telling here) shows how one demystifies an ambiguous and mystifying concept. Damn, if we could only stop thinking in terms of medieval hierarchy —higher/heavenly and lower/earthly — we would be so further ahead in our “battle” with received meaning in language/words.
Hi John, Thanks for your comments. I sometimes wonder if Bill W knew what he was doing when he worded the second step. A “power greater than ourselves” seems to have an entirely different meaning than a “higher power.” Was he thinking of unbelievers when he penned the second step?
Best regards, Andy F
Thanks for your reply, Andy. I suspect that Bill Wilson actually thought of God in terms of a Power greater than himself/ourselves for the most part — in the beginning at least. Here’s how he introduces his belief in the chapter “Bill’s Story”: “I had always believed in a Power greater than my self; I had often pondered these things. I was not an atheist.”
Although the word “God” seems like it is used a billion times in the Big Book, “Higher Power” is only mentioned twice in the non-story sections of the book. A “Power greater than ourselves” is used 15 times, however, and always capitalized (like God) except once: when Dr. Silkworth uses it in “The Doctor’s Opinion.”
It seems that “Higher Power” gained traction over time by the usage of AA members in the same way as the “disease concept” seems to have been adopted by the membership itself, since alcoholism as a disease is not mentioned in the Big Book: “disease” is included only once as a metaphor, ie., “spiritual disease.”
(Our historian, Bob Kennedy, has shown an interest in how the disease model grew in AA and he has informed the readership of AA Agnostica, on more than one occasion, that Marty Mann had a lot to do with spreading the idea of alcoholism as a disease.)
My primary interest in the whole “Higher Power,” and “Power greater than ourselves,” distinction rests in Dr. Silkworth’s quite natural and secular/scientific inclination to use a “power greater than ourselves” as a realistic goal/ideal for recovery. Here is how he writes it : “The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight. In nearly all cases, their ideals must be grounded in a power greater than themselves, if they are to re-create their lives.”
So, I’m going to hold to the idea that Dr. Silkworth was already the first to demystify the whole religious angle of Alcoholics Anonymous as early as the first printing of the Big Book. With its inclusion as “The Doctor’s Opinion,” a space was opened up to the secular among us to follow the principles of AA in our own, non-religious way.
Thanks for the essay. I like the term “higher power.” I wish that was the term used in the Bigga Booka. It isn’t. The more generic expression of God is “Higher Power” and the capital letters make a difference.
It’s pretty much the same thing with “Power greater.” That one gets identified—“…even though it was impossible to fully define that Power, which is God.” Further, it’s unfortunate that the more liberal presentations of “God” tend to be followed by lines like “Nothing more would be required of me to MAKE MY BEGINNING.” Eventually, the training wheels will be taken off of the divine bicycle.
I like the secular translation of step 2 that talks about calling on resources outside of myself. That is much in keeping with the plumbing 🪠 story. It’s unfortunate that the expressed need for some form of HIGHER power is driving many to reject the whole steps package. Self-examination, amends, letting go, service, etc. can be hugely beneficial.
Rarely is “Quit drinking and live happily ever after” (without taking other action) the result for people like me. We have to do something.
Hi Bob, When I was a newcomer, I was so bewildered by the expression “Higher Power” that I used my fear of the expression as an excuse not to do the steps at all. This was a mistake that almost cost me my life. I had to address my burning resentments. At the time, I was unable to overcome my prejudice to the “God” word and “Higher Power.”
Best wishes
Andy F
Amen
It certainly was “Amen” for me, after many years of prejudice and confusion regarding the meaning of the expression “Higher Power.”
Best regards Martin
Andy F
Excellent article. Thank you!
Thanks, Hillary
Best wishes
Andy F
Brilliant!
Thanks Warwick. Have a great 24 hours 🙏🌹🙏
Thanks Warwick. Have a great 24 hours 🙏🌹🙏
I was at my regular meeting last Friday but I’m not ‘in’ the group; haven’t been in an AA group for years now. The following day was my 38th anniversary of maintaining abstinence since my last drink of alcohol and since first coming to an AA meeting. We each have our own way of expressing ourselves, our beliefs, our understanding and interpretation of our internal and external ‘worlds’. We can even think about our own thinking and attempt to make sense of the non-sense that we encounter. There is much to be heard in AA about what others believe and think about ‘how it works’ and sometimes they even add ‘for me’! For me, I knew that I went to AA to seek an answer to my regular drunkenness and the unintended consequences that resulted. I quickly understood that my problem was my inability to manage my drinking without the drunkenness regularly accompanying my drinking. AA gave me the solution of a programme of abstinence: ‘if you don’t lift the first drink you won’t get drunk’. I have never taken to the religious/spiritual proposals presented within AA, in its literature or as a programme to be ‘worked’/adopted towards maintaining living a sober life. I rely on the fellowship of my AA companions for connection and focus on my determination to maintain my living sober. I’m still the atheist I was when I came to AA, a non-belief I came to accept when starting to think for myself in my teens. I love a good debate whether politics, religion, football, or even ‘recovery’ and its myriad of ‘recovery models’. But ‘debate’ is often a recipe for friction within AA, even when you’re not debating but only expressing what you believe for yourself. I prefer not to engage in the ‘mental gymnastics’ of higher powers or others interpretations of same. I prefer to approach life utilising my own personal power to consider, understand and choose. I choose living a sober life. My choice.
Thanks for sharing Harry. Congratulations on your 38th year of sobriety. Just goes to show that sobriety in AA works irrespective of your personal belief system.
Hi again John. I like the expression “power greater than ourselves” when I understood that a “power greater than ourselves” could mean anything you want it to mean. It need not have a religious connotation. I respect anyone’s interpretation of this expression. My sponsor saved my life by demystifying the second step. So much so that I wrote a blog about it.
https://aaforagnostics.com/blog/step-two-alcoholics-anonymous/
Best wishes John. Have a great day 🙏
Andy
Yes, Andy, that was a good essay. It nicely shows how you worked through the process of re-authoring the Step to make it deeply meaningful to you and significant in your life.
All the best,
John
Thank you John
Wishing you a happy and serene Tuesday 🙏
Andy
I went to my first meeting in San Diego, California on 18 December 1992. I drank on the 19th, remembered that someone had said it was “the first drink that got you drunk” (I thought it was the 20th drink, the crack cocaine and the hookers). Went to my second meeting on the 20th December and have been clean and sober ever since. I’ve been an agnostic since day one, and totally get step two, thanks to Hank Parkhurst, who insisted God did not appear too early! Of course, I needed a power greater than me: the rooms, the wisdom, the positive energy, the collective consciousness. Whatever you like. These days, I move between two positions. One, as an Apathetic Agnostic (the God question is irrelevant: we humans, as mildly evolved apes, have posed the question to make sense of an unfathomable, mysterious cosmos). Two, as an Agnostic who even doubts his doubt about God. The bottom line is it doesn’t matter what I say or think, or what you say or think … it’s what you do that matters. As the Buddha put it “My actions are the ground upon which I stand”.
Thanks for sharing Robert. I relapsed in AA and BA for 13 years before I found a sponsor that was happy to work with an agnostic. The guy literally saved my life. He completely demystified the twelve steps. I didn’t have to worry about God or an unseen higher power. Been clean and sober for 28 years now and having lots of fun in my old age. Take care Robert. In fellowship, Andy F
Thanks for your kind words, Andy. Tradition Three is alive and strong. I’m optimistic that AA’s basic message of help for the suffering alcoholic will be available to all who need, in all the many and various ways that are available. In love and fellowship. Robert P, Melbourne.
This agnostic thanks you for yet another way of understanding “higher power”. This will also be helpful when trying to explain my reconciliation of agnostic and higher power concepts to those who try to understand my beliefs….or challenge them.
Hi Devon. Thanks for sharing that. I am convinced that a higher power can be anything, except another person, that can break the cycle of alcohol addiction. Higher Self or higher conscious works for many. Best wishes, Andy F
My first AA meeting was in 1986. I was just legal drinking age in Ontario Canada at that time. 19 years old. But had seen drunkenness at age 14.
The most important thing I did learn through treatment center and attending a lot of meetings, certainly there were abuses of alcohol and drugs. But remove those things from my life, the “thinking problem” was the true problem. That is continuous 24/7. So BB is correct when emotional/mental disorders wreak havoc in ones life. Not always just booze/dope.
God? Seeing people of “God” discriminate and bully others was what I just experienced a few weeks ago from AA members. (December 2024)
I have 38 years “experience” Yet I was shunned by some who bashed me for cannabis. Assuming I was seeking spiritual awakening from weed?
I am not stupid. Yet these “groupies” treated me as such.
This behavior from some whom I reached out to just plainly criticize and not help. “Sobriety seniority.” They felt pompous to me. Told me I “have a chip on my shoulder”. Taking my “inventory” for me 🙂 Even worse, did not return my calls. Friends do not behave this way do they?
The entire program as it is stated is based on “attraction rather than promotion” And over the years I’ve not seen overly attractive behavior.
Besides those who truly were willing to help and not boast about it.
Those people I knew then, are all now deceased.
Gossip. Group “owners” and some just blabbing the same crap over and over for years. This does not seem like “spiritual progress”.
I am in a small community, so if “resentments” form, it can be difficult. In all honesty some people have behaved in AA even though sober, they can still do harm without even being aware. Righteous?
Just selfishly supporting their own egos without much regard to old timer newbies 🙂
But as I have learned. One cannot give away what one does not have.
They are not at fault they seem to have been born that way 🙂
The “rigorous honesty” doesn’t come naturally to humans.??? The “suggestions” aspect is the way to go when sharing or helping with someone. Steps? Stuck on step 3 for 38 years? Yes, that’s me. 🙂 Of those 38 years 23 are without drink or drug. Mind is not blown.
I do not feel need to ask for mercy or forgiveness. Possibly the AA thing isn’t for me at all. Have never felt completely powerless.
A caring spiritual force does not punish its followers/believers. This includes the human members element to it. Just more confusion on how successfully it works. Or doesn’t for those who do not “completely give themselves to this simple program”
Happy Holidays 2024. Be safe!
Thanks for your comments GRC. Yes, unfortunately, AA is infected with a lot of bigotry, religiosity and ego. I for one need AA and the program, but I stay away from the big egos that think they have all the answers. They try to impose their opinions on members that didn’t ask for their opinions. AA is still a powerful force for good but I’ve had to develop discernment and stay away from the bleeding deacons! Best wishes and Merry Christmas 🎄🎁🎄
It’s too bad there’s not more LifeRing and Smart recovery meetings. We would not have to have this conversation about a higher power or God.
I got sober in a CBT program back in 91 and 92 we never talked about God or higher power.