The Journey… So Far
By Murray J.
If life is a journey then a part of that journey is recovery from addiction for those so affected. When I crashed and burned in the early 1990s I struggled like so many others to first admit I had a problem. That struggle lasted years. How bad did it get? I became physically dependent on alcohol. Stopping only led to withdrawal and continuing was the road to self-destruction. It’s only when I had caused so much harm to my family that an ultimatum from my wife compelled me to get help. I had to address my full blown alcoholism or lose everything. I detoxed at home over 5 days. NOT a good idea. But I managed to get through it.
So, what to do? I called our local hospital and asked if they had anything to help “my friend”. I couldn’t even admit it was me that had the problem. I attended their information session where they outlined the day treatment program that was available. I met with one of the program physicians who was very compassionate. I will never forget the late Dr. Saul Cohen. He was instrumental in suggesting and supporting my entry into the day treatment program. Part of the process involved members of AA explaining what it was all about. I didn’t take it all in. It seemed so alien to me. However, I did try to keep an open mind. As part of the program we were required to attend two AA meetings per week. My very first meeting I felt like I had landed on Mars. I felt like I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t an alcoholic. The denial and struggle to accept my reality only lasted a short time. Subsequent meetings allowed the fog of denial to lift enough for me to make progress.
After the program I joined a group. I was really fortunate that the senior members of the group took me under their wings. They were incredibly caring and kind. They epitomized the very essence of AA; one drunk helping another. But when I heard the readings making repetitive references to a higher power or god I balked. I have been a life-long agnostic. Agnostic to me means I have no idea if there is a god nor do I care one way or another. But I went along with the dogma because my desire to stay sober was paramount. I also came to respect and admire the long term members of my now home group.
Over the years I searched for any other program that at least de-emphasized the god stuff. There were programs but none near where I lived. And this was at a time just as the internet was becoming widely available.
Years passed. I stayed sober but longed for an alternative that was more secular. About 16 or so years ago I heard about a new secular group that had just formed. The Beyond Belief Suburban West group has become my home in AA. I breathed a sigh of relief when I read and heard about the new format. I’ve realized over the years that “traditional” AA serves a good purpose for those of faith. I have no quarrel with that. In fact, I still attend the Sunday open meeting of my original AA group. Why? I established close friendships with a lot of the members. As an example, every Wednesday I have lunch with 4 or 5 other guys in traditional AA. We’ve been doing this for 10 plus years. We share our journey together.
When COVID hit all groups in our area were affected. Zoom become the only alternative for a time. Gradually face to face meetings resumed but the numbers have just not come back to pre-COVID levels.
I have been fortunate over the years to have had 2 excellent sponsors. The first, Bill M, was a gentle and kind man. He was also ambivalent over the god stuff. We became kindred spirits. I went through the steps with him and he assisted me in getting over the multiple god hurdles. I am eternally grateful to him. My second sponsor is also a good friend and part of the Wednesday lunch bunch. Regrettably he just had a stroke and is recovering in hospital. In fact, our lunch group has had its share of health issues. We are all north of 70 so it’s not that unusual. We support each other. I’ve got 2 new knees, a new hip, spinal fusion, atrial fibrillation, carpal tunnel etc, etc, etc. But what sustains me is my family, sponsor and the people in my AA world. I also have close friendships with people outside of AA.
I have learned in AA that service can solidify my recovery. I made coffee for my home group for 3 years. A humorous story involved filling up the coffee urn in a side kitchen. The room was also being used for a Lamaze class of very pregnant women. Filling the urn involved a flexible tube pouring water that made an obvious loud sound. I was on the other side of a screen as the instructor was showing videos. The instructor asked me how long I would be. Too many of the ladies hearing the running water needed to leave the room!
I have been an Intergroup Rep and GSR. Back in 2011 I was witness to the floor battle involving the delisting of agnostic groups in Toronto. For me it was as close to mob violence as I have ever seen. The intolerance, hatred was staggering. I tried to do my best by presenting a motion to include agnostic groups in the meeting books and the phone greeters binders with an advisory that they did not use the original steps but to no avail. A protracted human rights case eventually led to the relisting of agnostic groups. My hat is off to Larry K for fighting the good fight.
As the years have gone by my energy level has ebbed as has my mobility. I walk with a cane and will for the rest of my days.
One of my mentors very early on in my recovery was the late Bud C. He was ex-military and tough as nails. But he had a good heart. He was one of those who took me under his wing. I learned so much from him. When he was dying he said he hoped he had helped at least one person along the way. He was modest to a fault. I assured him he had helped me enormously. His obituary mentioned he was an elder in his church and the riding president for a political party. To his everlasting credit he never brought either one of these aspects of his life into the rooms of AA. I truly miss him.
So what is the next step in my journey? Not sure but I plan on putting one foot in front of the other and helping those in need as much as I can. Why? It’s my way of giving back to those that helped me along the way. To me that is the essence of AA.
Murray J. last drank on June 20th, 1996. First introduced to AA during a treatment program he balked at the emphasis on god in the literature and at meetings. Fortunately he found a new secular meeting had formed in his area. He has been an active member of that group ever since. He was fortunate to find a like minded sponsor who helped him in the early days of his journey. Today he is happily retired. He shares his life with his wife who stuck with him through thick and thin and their orange cat Arthur.
For a PDF of today’s article, click here: The Journey… So Far.
In my 82 years I’ve witnessed 3 mobs though I was only an observer. Your description of the intergroup meeting accentuates what I’ve heard from Roger before, but the story of your sobriety is so gentle and kind that the statement ” For me it was as close to mob violence as I have ever seen. The intolerance, hatred was staggering. ” stands out in comparison. I, and I suppose all nonbelievers, have many times thought about what motivates that kind of hatred and intolerance toward gentle atheists like me, and I presume, you.
My comment sounds trite. It is important for all of us to realize what a sacrifice Larry and other Toronto AA’s made to allow many of us to openly tell our view of the source of our recovery because most of the nonbelievers I run across in my part of the US have a sort of ho-hum attitude toward the existence of a secular AA group. I was terrified to openly tell others in AA. To me it’s a Big deal which I’d like to accentuate.
I also feel a sort of benign neglect from the other AA groups and servants in the area. No recent DCM has even visited our 10 year old Beyond Belief. Fortunately I started many successful nonsecular meetings over past years, was DCM, and so can feel the difference now. Younger AA’s usually don’t.
Thank you Lance. As I’ve grown older I’ve come to the realization that to exercise prejudice at any group or person is like a broken pencil…pointless. I almost left AA back in 2011. Such was my disappointment in what occurred. I’m glad I hung in there.
Murray, you describe your journey so well, and it’s one that many of us can relate to: an ordinary process of mutual assistance that yields extraordinary results. Pretty sobering that there is nothing supernatural here. Good stuff!
Thank you John.
Roger, thank you for continuing Sunday posts.
Murray, your lovely sharing truly exemplifies the hope and possibility of one person helping another, even with many differences.
I too attend traditional AA meetings because of being with dear friends. I truly wish AA @ large would be more secular and it is as it is at this time.
I continue to show up and share without malice my experience, strength and hope as an agnostic in AA. Teresa in Monterey CA
Thank you Teresa. I appreciate your comments.
Thank you for sharing. This is the essence of AA and what has kept me coming back for so many many years now. I am so grateful to AA, but to also have discovered secular AA 4 years ago. It has made a huge difference in my recovery.
Hi Harry. Yup, it’s me, the pest from the west. We live far apart in distance but not in aspects of our shared journey. Thank you so much for your comments. They mean a lot.
👍
I’m assuming this is by Murray J, that guy in Toronto that I sometimes encounter on FB. Nice words Murray and a nice nod from you to my AA hero Larry K. We secularists owe some of you trudgers around the Toronto Area a great deal for carrying secularity forward in AA in the written word, the spoken word, and linking us all through that fabulous and innovative AA Agnostica. A tip of the hat to you all. Thanks for your post Murray, I knew you were one of the good guys since first contact with you; just like me! But unlike you I really can’t give any doubt to my atheism, no Dog for me! Highly improbable! I’m outside Glasgow these past seven years and all my AA attendance is at local meetiings, a couple a week usually. But the novelty seems to have passed of the guy who constantly declares his atheism! Then again the Vice Chair of he local Intergroup did tell me I was like a breath of fresh air when I first showed up. Then again another wanted to bar me because of my words! Take care Murray, keep well and best wishes buddy. 🤝
Thanks for the account of your experience. I wasn’t at the 2011 Toronto Intergroup meeting where the 2 “agnostics” groups were booted out. A motion to relist was brought 6 months later and that dragged on for a few months of overt hostility. I attended those gatherings. It’s as close as I’ve come to leaving AA.
The anti-secular folks were very well-organized. They recruited reps from groups in outlying areas that hadn’t been to Toronto Intergroup for years. 80 group voted in 2012 as compared to 50 in 2011. I echo the tip of the cap to Larry K.
The first Suburban West meeting was not 16 years ago. It was in 2014 or 2015.
Yes, Bob, you, Dianne, and I saw some very unloving and nasty behaviour at those “re-listing” Intergroup meetings. What sustained me through those challenging months (apart from you and Dianne) were the individuals from a few other traditional groups who stepped up and passionately advocated for the full membership and voting rights of Beyond Belief, We Agnostics, and later, Widening Our Gateway.
I stand corrected Bob. You’re right. It was 2014 or 2015. Here’s a little story stemming from the 2011 purge. Several members of the AA Gestapo made vehement presentations at the microphone condemning the idea of inclusion of the agnostic groups. Fast forward to the area 83 Assembly a few years ago. Seated in front of me were two of them. The motion on the floor was to accept or reject The God Word pamphlet. One voted in favour, one abstained. Progress? Not sure but the motion passed with a high yes vote.